I’ve been really good this year, you know it and I know it, so I won’t waste the time of either of us by groveling.
Here are my demands:
· First, do something about this weather. It’s way too cold. I know it’s winter, but give me a fucking break here. I live in Maryland, not Nunavut. A few days ago it was fifteen degrees. Fifteen degrees. You live at the North Pole, you obviously dig the cold, but give the rest of us a break, eh? I’m not asking for a tropical paradise or anything. Keep it above 40 and I’ll be happy.
And I’m not talking about global warming here. Don’t try to get out of this by saying it would fuck the planet to grant my wish. That’s not what I’m asking for. Use your Santa magic.
· I wrote this movie, Toby Benson Wants His Money. We just entered it in the Maryland Film Festival. See what you can do to grease the wheels. (The president of the board of directors has a thing for coke and blonde chicks. Or so I’ve heard . . .)
· I want some money. Cash is okay. Or better yet, just magic it into my bank account.
· Get the wife something nice.
· On second thought, about that weather thing. If something that large-scale is outside your area, could I maybe just have some good long underwear? Nice and warm, and with a proper fit. I’m sick of the bottoms always falling halfway down my ass.
See what you can do. But remember, same deal as always. You scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours. Do the right thing.
Yours in Christ,