Last night Ashley and I went to Food Lion to pick up some groceries for her apartment, and I noticed that they sell a generic knockoff of Mountain Dew, which they have cleverly named Mountain Lion. Here’s what I think of when I see the words “mountain” and “lion” next to one another:
An eight foot-long, 125-pound wild cat with inch-long fangs, the ability to run 30 or 40 miles per hour, and the strength to kill and drag prey many times its own size. I ask you: What about this is supposed to quench my thirst? Having my jugular torn open by razor-sharp teeth, then being dragged through the woods and buried so I’ll keep for a snack later – ahhh, refreshing!
The only thing less appealing than a bottle of Mountain Lion would be a bottle of Mountain Dew. Jesus Christ, how do people drink that shit?