Friends and longtime readers of this blog are all well aware of my hatred of football. I detest virtually everything about the sport with what Pap used to call a “purple passion.” The violence, the overspecialization, the tedious technicalities that make a game clocked for 60 minutes last in excess of three hours — don’t get me started.
(Unless witnessing a rambling, semi-coherent, increasingly angry rant against the most popular sport in the United States is your idea of a good time; in which case, by all means, get me started.)
This Sunday being the Super Bowl, you might think it would be a difficult weekend for me. But you’d be wrong. Over the years, I’ve discovered a whole plethora of activities that make much better use of a Sunday evening than watching three hours of commercials with a few minutes of football interspersed here and there. If you, too, are planning on doing something with your Sunday other than sit in front of the TV watching the game, I offer a few simple suggestions:
· Watch The Godfather, Part II on DVD or Blu-Ray. The DVD version is split across two discs, so you could have your own half-time show! If you wanted to.
· Groom your dog or cat. Your pet will love you for this. Just take a brush to the furry bastard for about three hours. (Note: this activity is not recommended to fish owners.)
· Trim your toe- and fingernails and organize the clippings. Long to short, thick to thin, color, plasticity — how you organize them is completely up to you.
· Choose animals to represent you and your family members, and fashion a totem pole from a trunk of cedar. For added fun, erect shame poles to represent disobedient children.
· Fuck someone/something. Your wife/girlfriend, your husband/boyfriend, a prostitute, one of those flashlights with a fake pussy inside it — whatever you squirt on, or have squirt on you, will furnish a far more enjoyable Sunday evening than watching teams of large, indistinguishable men fight over a leather egg.