Now that Donald Trump has rocked the American political landscape with the widely anticipated stunning announcement that he will not run for President of the United States next year, and Mike Huckabee, having apparently decided hosting a show on Fox News nobody watches is a better gig than running around the country shaking hands and kissing babies for a year-and-a-fucking-half, has also bowed out, the race for the Republican nomination is suddenly looking a lot less clownish, and therefore also a lot less interesting.
Sure, there are still a few joke candidates considering a run, made all the more hilarious by how they fancy themselves serious contenders. You’ve still got your Sarah Palins, your Michele Bachmanns — shit, according to Wikipedia, the Rent Is Too Damn High guy is even thinking of running as a Republican. But no matter how flamboyantly he styles his facial hair, Jimmy McMillan is never going to get serious media attention. Likewise, the Palin and Bachmann shows have been running since 2008 and are just about out of gas. The GOP needs someone who can fill the shoes of both Trump and Huckabee — someone blithely unaware of his own stupidity (that’d be the Trump half), and experienced in pandering to the ultra-religious — well, ultra-Christian — in the most obvious and embarrassing ways imaginable (and that’d be the Huck half).
That man, ladies and gentlemen, is not Rick Santorum, because fuck Rick Santorum in the ass with a harpoon straight to Hell. No, no. That man . . . is Roy Moore.
Remember him? Former Chief Justice of the Alabama Supreme Court who got fired for placing a gigantic monument to the Ten Commandments in front of the courthouse? What was that, like seven years ago?
He’s thinking of running for president.
Why? Well, I’ve just spend some time on his website. Here are his major issues:
Reduce the Deficit. How does Former Judge Moore, who also wants to lower taxes on everyone, intend to reduce the deficit, a task which no president since evil philanderer Bill Clinton has been able to accomplish? Simple: “We must cut the deficit and balance the budget using accurate data unlike budget projections used by the present administration.”
So it’s not that cutting taxes on the wealthy reduces government income and results in budget deficits — it’s that everyone’s just been getting the math wrong all this time!
Know what I bet has been the problem all along? These damn secular humanists are too dumb to know that the exact value of pi is 3.
Defend the Constitution. And isn’t it about damn time somebody paid lip-service to the greatness of the U.S. Constitution?
Get Rid of the Brown People (and the Pale People). Yeah, he’s not nuts about immigration, go figure. Although he’s not exclusively anti-Hispanic; he does mention wanting to stop illegal immigrants from crossing our northern border as well. So look out, Canadians, you hockey-playing, Édouard Carpentier-loving bastards.
Make It Illegal to Be Gay. In the Military. For Starters. Moore states on his website that he believes “Homosexuality should be against military policy, as was the law prior to Bill Clinton.”
Not “homosexual conduct,” please take note, or “sodomy” — homosexuality. The orientation, the state of being itself should be outlawed in the military, according to Roy Moore.
Wouldn’t a meeting between Moore and the Log Cabin Republicans just be the best thing ever broadcast on C-SPAN? We’re talking “Trent Lott on BET” levels of awkwardness.
Freedom of (Christian) Worship (of the Christian God). Roy Moore is a renowned champion of religious liberty. He will stand up and fight for your right to practice your faith whenever and wherever you want — provided you believe in the God of the Bible. Here’s another priceless quote from his website:
“We must remain a moral and virtuous people, and remain one Nation under God. I strongly support freedom of worship and faith in God upon Whom we have always relied in peace and war.”
The irony of proclaiming support for religious freedom while simultaneously declaring that the country should acknowledge the sovereignty of the one particular deity in which he believes is, needless to say, lost on Roy Moore.
He’s an idiot, he’s a religious whack-job, he has not a hope on Earth of being a serious candidate. So I say run, Roy! Run!