Tales of Rich the Liar
No. 2: “The New Girlfriend”
Rich stopped by Jimmy’s place to say hello a few days before Christmas. He’s driving a truck for a furniture company in town now, it seems. And he’s got himself a new girlfriend. How’d Rich meet his new girlfriend? some of you might be wondering. Did he meet her at a bar? Did he meet her at Wal-Mart? At work? He actually did meet her at work. But it’s a great deal more complicated than that. Here’s what he told Jimmy:
He drives delivery for Ashley furniture, out at Long Meadow Shopping Center. His furniture truck is bulletproof and has a roof-mounted rotating machine gun, making Rich better protected delivering a couch than your average Marine in Fallujah. This one day a few weeks ago, Rich and his partner are dropping off a sofa and a reclining chair to this apartment somewhere in Hagerstown. His partner takes the chair and goes first; Rich throws the sofa over his shoulder and brings up the rear. Halfway up the stairs the partner loses his footing and starts to fall. Rich grabs his partner and the recliner with his free hand and drags them, along with the sofa over his shoulder, up the stairs to the apartment. All in a day’s work so far.
They get inside the apartment and it’s a man and his girlfriend. Rich and his partner are busy about their work, putting the couch and the chair wherever they’re supposed to go. The girlfriend makes some passing comment to Rich, something polite and maybe mildly flirtatious (how could she resist?), and the boyfriend loses it. He whips out a butcher knife, grabs his girlfriend by the throat and shoves her back into a wall – probably cracks the plaster, too. Rich plays it cool, tells his partner to go downstairs and call his uncle, who is, of course, a Maryland State Trooper.
Rich’s uncle (the cop, not the superhuman multi-millionaire cop-killing four star U.S. Army general) shows up a few minutes later and whips out his gun. At this point Rich draws his gun as well, which he has been cleverly concealing all this time. They open fire on the guy holding the butcher knife to his girlfriend, hitting him in the leg and the arm. Rich’s uncle takes the guy away, and the girlfriend falls gratefully into Rich’s arms. She provides Rich with a more significant demonstration of her gratitude a short time later when she submits to what must have been without a doubt the most earth-quaking, soul-shaking, cunt-busting sex of her entire life.
Only one last thing to tidy up, then: what happened to the boyfriend? Rich’s uncle telephoned a judge he happened to know and explained the situation, including how Rich was involved, presumably. The judge immediately sentenced the boyfriend to ten years in prison without parole, no lawyer, no trial, no jury. I didn’t get the details, so I assume the judge left the paperwork and the transportation to the prison and so forth up to the arresting officer. There’s an old saying, isn’t there? A lyric from an old song, something like “You don’t tug on Superman’s cape, you don’t spit into the wind, you don’t pull the mask off the old Lone Ranger, and you don’t . . .”
Hmmph, look at that – I’ve forgotten it.