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Steve Likes to Curse
Writing, comics and random thoughts from really a rather vulgar man
Yes, but WHICH South? 
Thursday, March 8th, 2007 | 10:25 am [commentary, humor, politics]

Ashley brought home a crostic puzzle that this guy who comes into the library came up with.  It is a ludicrous combination of obscure and pointless Star Trek trivia and encoded message.  You answer the trivia questions, then copy the letters from those answers into the corresponding numbered squares on a grid that, when completed, the puzzle promises, will spell out a quote from some Star Trek-related source, while the first letters of the answers vertically spell out the origin of the quote.  I can’t help but thinking this is somehow Dan Brown’s fault.


So anyway, if you’re like me, the first thing you do is to read over the puzzle and give a smug, derisive snort upon realizing what it is.  The next thing you do is spend several hours hunched over the pages of the puzzle at the kitchen table, pen in-hand, vainly probing your brain for the name of Minuet’s holodeck cabaret, finally crushing the paper in your fist and overturning the table in frustration.  “What’s wrong with me?!  Why can’t I know everything about Star Trek?!” you pathetically cry toward an unmoved God, “What’s wrong with me?!


Which leads me improbably to the official website of the Confederate States of America.


“But Steve,” you may be asking as you set the kitchen table back on its legs and begin to gather the shards of the shattered table lamp, “how can the Confederate States of America have a website when it ceased to exist over 140 years ago, which most historians agree was several years before the creation of the internet?”


The answer is that the Confederacy never ceased to exist.  Yes, it lost the Civil War.  Yes, all the Confederate Armies, including the Army of Northern Virginia commanded by General Robert E. Lee, surrendered to the United States.  Yes, the President of the Confederate States of America, Jefferson Davis, was arrested by Union troops and imprisoned.  Yes, everyone ever elected or appointed to serve in the Confederate government has been dead now for a hundred years.  But President Davis never actually surrendered his government to the United States.  What does that mean?  It means the South doesn’t have to rise again — it’s still here!


Don’t believe me?  Check it out for yourself.  I thought the dude who spent months slaving over a dense and useless Star Trek puzzle was wasting ­his time; these guys are serious.  The outfit behind the website is called the Federation of States, which is itself just a support organization for the Southern Independence Party, a self-described “nationalist party seeking independence for the Southern United States.”  They insist that a state of war still exists between the U.S. and the C.S., and that the government of the Confederacy has been “occupied” by the United States since 1865.  They want to “re-staff” the Confederate government in order to negotiate a peace treaty with the government they identify on the website as the Federal Union and arrange for the withdrawal of all “occupying agents” of the U.S. in Southern territory.  Why the Union would be willing to withdraw hundreds of thousands of Federal troops and government employees from their homes in the territory of a powerless fictional government is never addressed.  But nevermind.  They’re looking for a few good men (and I don’t think I need to tell you what sort of men):



Okay, so maybe I shouldn’t have said “serious.”  But they are ambitious.  If you live in one of the old — excuse me, occupied Confederate states, or even a border state like Maryland, you can apply for citizenship in the C.S.A. and be eligible to vote in their upcoming elections.  Judging by the press releases archived on their website, these elections have been upcoming for about the last seven years, so I hope you don’t mind waiting.  There are Confederate Constitutional Conventions to entertain you in the meantime.  The most recent of these appears to have been in 2004.  They promised one for 2005 but I find no evidence on their website that it ever took place.  Too bad if so — they were doing so well!  They’d selected a Constitutional Court and were at the beginning of a voter registration drive that I’m sure would have fired the passions of literally dozens of old toothless white men sitting in rocking chairs on dilapidated wooden porches.  There’s even a CIB — Confederate Intelligence Bureau! — to investigate the nefarious schemings of the Federal Union, and rival Southern separatist organizations like the League of the South.


The League of the South is another deeply deluded bunch of crackpots who at least seem to have their shit somewhat together.  Their website looks reasonably professional, and they have wisely opted to acknowledge the Confederacy’s defeat and dissolution following the Civil War.  Instead of resurrecting the occupied Confederacy, the fellas at the League of the South want to start all over with a brand new Confederacy!  Yee-fuckin’-hah!  It’s this wish to found a new government which puts them at odds with the Southern Independence Party and their “original” Confederate government.


That these two organizations are opposed to one another seems absurd.  They have so much in common:  both are overtly Christian; both, for all their talk of “state’s rights,” are militantly nationalistic; and both have alarmist, borderline racist views of Israel and illegal immigration.  And they have both posted unenthusiastic denunciations of racism (check out the C.S.A. Confederate Creed, and the League of the South’s Statement on “Racism”).  You’d think the two organizations would be willing to set their differences aside, take a seat on a couple’a stumps, drink some beer and unite for the glorious cause of Southern independence.  Why, if they came together, I’m sure they’d have the Stars ‘n Bars painted on the side of jets in no time!


If you’d like to register as a citizen and be eligible to vote in the upcoming Confederate elections, by the way, the application is right here.  And it only costs $50!
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