What a wonderful day for humanity, a fine, glorious, happy and hopeful day — the first day in nearly 74 years that men and women have looked out on a Jerry-Falwell-less universe. Yes, the fat old cocksucker who founded the extraordinarily inaptly named Moral Majority is dead. They found him croaked in his office this morning; his doctor guessed it had something to do with a preexisting heart condition, but no cause has yet been announced definitively. I assume Liberty University, the “college” he founded and was able to keep afloat thanks to donations from Sun Myung Moon, will be holding a massive memorial service in Falwell’s honor in the near future. I wonder if Larry Flynt will be sending flowers? Which reminds me: “real, real, real fucking soon” apparently equals about nine months. Good to know.
The person I feel the worst for is John McCain. With Falwell out of the picture, who will he ardently fellate to suck up to evangelical Christians from now on? Pat Robertson? James Dobson? I got it: T.D. Jakes — kill two birds with one stone.