I was poking around at the Internet Movie Database this morning looking for something — anything — on the status of the father/daughter relationship between actor Jon Voight and actress/pedophile Angelina Jolie when I saw something that left me shocked and unsettled. I grabbed it so I could share it with you, my dearest and only friends. Wrap your brains around this one, brothers and sisters:
Was Bob Hope really alive as recently as 2003? Are you fucking kidding me? And he was born in 1903 — the 20th century?! I know he lived a long time and was known for entertaining every U.S. President since Roosevelt, but I’d always assumed that to mean Teddy Roosevelt. “Boy, that Panama Canal, lemme tell ya . . . I haven’t seen someone digging a bigger hole for themselves since I tried to explain to my wife how it was her face that made me prefer buttfucking!”
Seriously, folks, I won’t say Bob Hope was born all that long ago, but when his mother’s midwife told his father to go boil some water, the poor guy had to build a fire first. I tell ya, it’s crazy.
Bob Hope was one of those guys who seemed to be eternally youthful, until all of a sudden he wasn’t. Up through most of the 1990s he hardly showed his age, then WHAM! — hunched shoulders, wheelchair, bloodshot eyes, and the deathwatch was on. I remember how sudden the change from ageless icon to brittle bag of bones. I’ve prepared a modest graphic to illustrate:
Scary isn’t it, folks? “I’ll tell ya, the last time I saw something that scary my mother-in-law had just hiked her skirt up!” We miss ya, Bob.