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Steve Likes to Curse
Writing, comics and random thoughts from really a rather vulgar man
Riffing on Mail Call 
Thursday, August 3rd, 2006 | 08:58 pm [commentary, hagerstown, mail call]

This morning someone finally commented on the article I wrote a few weeks ago making fun of the Mail Call feature in my local paper, the esteemed Herald Mail.  Since I had so much goddamn fun doing it the first time, and since what I originally planned for today will have to wait, let’s once again see what insane shit the residents of the Hagerstown area feel compelled to share.  From today’s edition of Mail Call:


"I don't understand why a caller from Boonsboro thinks the Cavetown/Smithsburg area needs a 'fast-food' place out here. The caller goes on to say the children have nothing to do in this area. Good golly! I would like to think that children (and adults) have better things to occupy their time, rather than feeding on high-calorie foods."

- Cavetown


Goshdarnit, you’re right!  I’d like to think children and adults have better things to do, too, but I’m afraid it’s just one of those things that we’d like to think, but in reality just ain’t so.  Sure, Smithsburg just opened a beautiful new library, but who wants to read a book when you can wolf down a Big Mac and fries, wash it down with a Coke, and still have plenty of time to take a nice long shit before CSI starts?  The irony is that most of the people who are begging for a fast food joint because there’s nothing to do will eventually wind up needing an intervention by Jerry Springer or Maury Povich just to get out of their fucking house.


"I'd like to know how a state agency can clearly do you wrong, and then if you try to complain anywhere else in the state they cover for each other, and then you can't find a lawyer that'll go up against a state agency. Any ideas?"


It sounds to me like you’re suggesting the government looks after its own interests before the interests of the people.  That’s not how it works at all.  Weren’t you paying attention in Civics class?  The government doesn’t deceive and confound the people; the government serves the people!  Hey, we’re the bosses, afterall!  Stop spreading those seditious lies, you commie fuck.


"After the death of yet another correctional officer, I see where the Department of Public Safety and Correctional Services, Mary Ann Saar, says that it's important that prison staff send a firm message that they, not the inmates, control these institutions. Maybe if Gov. Ehrlich, Secretary Saar, and this administration, plus our legislators, would start treating these people like the criminals they are instead of VIPs, then maybe the message could be sent. The raise that correctional officers received this year was nice, but if you are killed, you can't buy a new life. I'm sure most of the correctional officers would just as soon have safer working conditions."

- Hagerstown


I agree, let’s dispense with even the pretense of rehabilitation and just treat the prisoners like shit.  Not only should we look the other way in cases of guard abuse, we should encourage it.  Really teach those niggers a lesson.  No way that’ll ever come back to bite society in the ass.


"This is in reference to the July 31 letter from the person in Hagerstown who was complaining about Jim Palmer being a negative announcer against the Orioles. I think Jim Palmer is a excellent announcer. It's not his fault that the owners of the Orioles buy inferior players, and the other teams' players play much better. If you watch the games regularly, you'll see this happens over and over again. He simply calls it the way it is."

- Falling Waters, W.Va.


That letter must have struck a nerve, because here’s another one about the hard-throwing former underwear model:


"To the person that said that Jim Palmer is so negative, and cutting the Orioles up, first let me tell you I'm not an Orioles fan, and I'm not a Jim Palmer fan, but Jim Palmer will tell it like it is. He knows the game of baseball inside and out. These guys are major leaguers. He doesn't make excuses for them. Along with Jim Kaat and Tom Seaver, they're some of the best announcers in baseball. They don't give you this mumbo-jumbo to try to make you believe that something is other than what the facts show. I'll go to bat for Jim Palmer any day. When he speaks, he knows what he's talking about."

- Boonsboro


I’m with this guy.  Palmer was a great player, but I’ve never been nuts about him as an announcer.  He’s not the worst broadcaster the Orioles have ever had (remember Michael Reghi?), and he’s better on his shittiest day than that mouth-breathing fuck Tim McCarver ever thought about being.  But he knows his baseball, and he knows the Orioles, and he knows there really isn’t much positive to say about the team this year.  The team is a mess and going nowhere but down.  That’s not Jim Palmer’s fault.  I love the Orioles, I’ve been a fan since I was 5 years old, but these are the facts.  If you can’t take it, go root for the Yankees with the rest of the pussies.


"To the person who called in asking why Jim Palmer is so negative against the Orioles, and saying how the other team does this better or that better: It's because they do. Look at the Orioles. They're pathetic.”


There, see?  A man after my own heart.


"I fully backed the war and everything when it first started, but now I believe it's time we need to get out of Iraq. We need to get out of Afghanistan. We need to get out of everywhere that they don't want us. It's time we pulled our people out of all hostile countries, and just went to the ones that are friendly with us. I'm not like most liberals, that are yellowbellies and wouldn't defend their family from an attacker. We should just go ahead and take care of our borders, take care of our friends, the other countries, and if somebody attacks us, we just completely commit genocide on the whole country that attacked us. Kill every single one of them. We try to be nice to people, we try to make the world a peaceful and safe place, and all we get is grief for it - even grief from a lot of other Americans. Too many cowards in this country - too many liberals."

- Hagerstown


Yeah, that’s the problem with those liberals.  They wouldn’t even defend their families if attacked!  Why, I bet if a liberal walked in on his mother being gang-raped, he’d tear off his hemp pants and join in!  These people, they have no morals!  We need real leadership in this country, someone with guts!  The kind of man who walks in on his mother being raped, empties a 12-gauge into the face of every rapist, then tracks down their families and friends and boils them all alive in oil!  You try to be a chickenshit nice guy, all you get is fucked up the ass.  You need to just get out there and do some fucking.


Thanks to all the wonderful Mail Call contributors, and to the Herald Mail for raising the level of discourse, as always.

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