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Steve Likes to Curse
Writing, comics and random thoughts from really a rather vulgar man
The perfect fix for the woes of the O's 
Sunday, June 24th, 2007 | 08:48 am [baseball, commentary]
Well at least the Red Sox are having a good year. Shame the same can't be said for the Orioles, the pitiful fuckers. Many of us O's fans have spent the last few years waxing nostalgic about the teams of years (hell, decaades) past. But I say why not take that nostalgia and turn it into something tangible and positive to help out the team? The lineup they've got isn't worth shit, so let's reach into the rich and legendary history of the Orioles to plug some of the holes.

Most of these players either work for the team already in some capacity, or are completely retired from Major League Baseball, so fielding this all-time O's all-star team shouldn't be a problem. The entire team doesn't need to be an old-timers roster — I like Melvin Mora, I like Brian Roberts, I like Nick Markakis, so they can stick around. But the rest can grab some bench or head to the minors, and make way for the big (and old) dogs!

First things first, the team needs a proper manager. Since Frank Robinson isn't doing a damn thing, I say he's the man. They'll need some help in the outfield, so Frank gets to play, too. Roberts is an okay lead-off guy and plays a decent second-base, so he can stay where he is. Batting second and returning to third base will be the best ballplayer ever to man the hot corner, Brooks Robinson. Batting third and playing shortstop, the Iron Man himself, Cal Ripken Jr. Batting clean-up and playing first base, the great Eddie Murray. I'll speak to Eddie about growing out the afro, too — for old-time's sake. Markakis can bat fifth and take centerfield — we'll need someone out there who can still run. Hitting sixth in the DH spot, Boog Powell. Between innings he can run across the street and dig on some of his own barbecue to keep his energy up. Hitting seventh and playing leftfield, my man Melvin Mora, who is gracious enough to relinquish third base back to Brooksy. Batting eighth and playing rightfield, player-manager Frank Robinson. I'd put Frank higher in the order, but the dude is 71 years old. And batting ninth and catching, 1983 World Series MVP Rick Dempsey, still a spring chicken at 57.

The pitching staff is the real problem. The O's have got nothin'. We'll fix that by augmenting the starting rotation with Mike Cuellar, Dave McNally, Pat Dobson and Jim Palmer.

Hang on — McNally and Dobson are dead. No problem, we'll call up Steve Stone and Mike Flanagan. Beat that rotation! With the rest of the pitching staff available, we should be able to piece together a decent bullpen, and we'll call back Gregg Olson to be our closer. Watch out, Yankees! Third-place, here we come!
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